Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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