if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
