Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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