My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
