Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
