Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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