You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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