You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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