Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Randomize
