I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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