If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
