I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
