literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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