Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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