and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
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