Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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