i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
