I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
