I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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