I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
