don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
