Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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