You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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