I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
