You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
