There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
