I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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