Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
