oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
