This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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