I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
