When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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