I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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