Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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