community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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