Sry I called you an 8
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
