I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
