***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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