How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
