at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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