just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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