its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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