she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
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