matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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