I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
