I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize