I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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