remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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