We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
my penis made a compromise with my morals
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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