If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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