Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
false alarm. still invincible.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
