I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
