i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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