So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize