you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
