I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
