is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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