I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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