$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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