I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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