It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
